"Get a clue," is the title of a job orientation packet from a major supermarket chain. Despite the best efforts of retail propagandists, all but the most delusional of time clock slaves have done just that. From the painfully dull to the wildly implausible, service industry orientations and subsequent corporate indoctrination attempts are brimming with bullshit. Having worked with very few retarded people and even fewer contented employees, I'm confident that corporations' brainwashing endeavors inspire more laughs than loyalty.

The "Get a clue" packet, otherwise known as the "elusive satisfied customer caper," is rife with lies/punch lines such as: "people are great" and "prices are good." This is in addition to the implication that customers can get what they want "plus a little." However, illustrations of the Pink Panther cartoon grinning at me on every page elevated this clumsily written drivel to the same tier as red letters in the New Testament.

Orientation videos are perhaps the industry's most common brainwashing tool. In 2000, tooth grinding was mitigated by jaw dropping as I watched such a video on my first day at McDonald's. A prominent feature was excessively smiling Asian women and children in essence performing for corporate in the manner of actresses employed by the adult entertainment industry.

Cliche notes of melodrama played tenderly in the background as a doltish regular customer shared her remarkable story of love pure and true served up with her morning coffee. Alleged employees of this store lauded the woefully unattractive woman. They even claimed to have missed her while she was on vacation. Remarkable, indeed. McDonald's coffee sucks while human nature and basic economics prevent cashiers from giving a puddle of grease. The tape even told a story of how McDonald's saved a life. I'm secure enough to admit that this video left me cheering and militantly proud to shovel shit for my millionaire overlords.

The demon came back to haunt me in 2006, when a different Dallas area McDonald's hired me. Computers had supplanted VCRs, but the annoyance was still real. Computerized cartoon characters walked myself and the other unfortunates through the magic of fast food. "Baibrook [the franchise company] is the best company in Texas," the orientation manager proclaimed. The best for whom?

"Number one" was a recurrent phrase in the orientation packet, as were "happy" and "guest satisfaction." Apparently, "guest" is the new, corporate correct word for "customer." Directly after this packet welcomed me to the McDonald's "family," a page was devoted to describing what burgeoning tycoons the franchise owners were. Hiel Ronald!

Actors in a Kroger orientation video used the word "customer" 39 times in a five minute period. As someone who really knows what the "c" word means, this only served to piss me off before I even hit the so-called "sales floor."

Orientations are merely prelude to an intellectual gang bang, with corporate wielding the bull whip and management holding long hair out of the way. Poorly written bulletins likely composed with a third grade audience in mind dominated the backroom scene. If an employee is lucky enough to have a breakroom, his subconscious is likely harangued by company cartoons raving about kissing customer ass. "Being a champion feels great and is easy to become," declared an Albertson's bulletin titled "How to become a champion courtesy clerk." I take my lunch breaks outside.

"Say one "extra" thing" is my favorite. This affront to my intelligence was ripped off of the freezer door at Jack in the Box by yours truly. This smiley-face adorned eyesore gives examples of how to initiate conversation with a "guest." "That's a cool car you're driving!" "Your dog is so cute! Look at him ready to eat your french fries." These are two of seven lines crafted by corporate that I'd rather burn in Hell than utter.

"Cool car?" That is raw, undignified bootlicking. I've never had a car in my life, nor do I use the word "cool" in slang fashion. That is, unless I'm blackout drunk. We are denied full-time hours and disgracefully paid. For this, corporate expects us to give unconditional allegiance to the beast and suck up to customers who treat us like garbage.

Not only are indoctrination attempts insipid, they are condescending. Every orientation, campaign and bulletin treats us as though we were mindless toddlers. Just as well; I've never been paid enough to think. Although everything corporate writes is geared to illiterates, I often see errors and pathetic writing in every paragraph.

Unsurprisingly, corporate's onslaught is in vain. We may notice their propaganda long enough to mock it or deface the bulletins. An anonymous poet changed "service with a smile" to "service with a suck dick." My ballpoint pen graffiti was slightly more cerebral, but with the same spirit.

"A satisfied customer made this paycheck possible," reads the bottom of my paycheck stubs. At the top of these stubs is my pay rate--$6.15 per hour.