You will all pay. The question is by what method and at what cost to my eroded sanity. My company accepts nine basic forms of payment and three basic types of coupons. All of these carry the risk of incident and annoyance.

Although widely eschewed in the odious 21st century, cash is the most common form of payment. Some notes are torn in half. One $1 bill was stamped "track me at wheresgeorge.com." These anomalies aside, paper cash is the simplest method to accept. Coins are another matter. Despite the proliferation of Coinstar machines, including one within vomiting distance of our registers, some lowlifes pay with change.

"I got lotsa' change, I'll let you fish it out," a man told me while putting his undoubtedly unwashed hand in my face. This and other jerk-offs actually insist that I pick the required sum of change from the pile in their goddamn hand. How beneath me, this defilement is insanely unbecoming.

A filthy hag in drive-thru once poured some $3 in change into my hands. She had the fingernails of a coal miner and the coins were enrobed in some mystery goo. Disgusted, I dropped the pennies on the lane once she left for the second window. Given inflation and a pornographic cost of living, it's a wonder the United States circulates this copper pestilence at all.

"I gave you my pennies," some dipshit noted with a giggle. She also gave me a Canadian dime. I typically spot foreign coins and return them to the customer, but cashiers sometimes slip. I've amassed coins from 13 countries. American money is so vanilla.

With its' largely Mexican customer base, foodservice chain Pizza Patron has begun accepting Mexican pesos at all locations in Texas and other states. The red carpet has been rolled out to the register. Inconcievably, my $9.40 in pesos is valid payment 300 miles north of the Rio Grande.

Personal checks are an obsolete pain in the ass. It takes the average senior citizen 96 minutes to write a check. The check is written, but we're not hoisted up from Hell just yet. The system may prompt the cashier to enter the customer's government I.D. number. Apparently, requests for I.D. deeply offend some people. "You saw my [name of store] card, was that not sufficient? Seriously. On the subject of shopper's cards, a kid high off his ass tried to pay with one at self-checkout the other night--repeatedly.

"I hope it won't charge me twice, 'cause I won't pay twice." Say what? The asinine belief that a register system is even capable of accepting payment twice on a single order has no basis in reality. Customers ask for reassurance that they won't be ripped off, and I have to suppress a smirk. Paying once at this store will rape your wallet.

Accepting payment that was siphoned from taxpayers can be loathsome. "The milk is on WIC," a woman told me the other night. What wasn't on WIC? That would be a brisket, pork spare ribs and a slew of other treats that I've only dreamt of affording. The total was $152.33; $65 under my usual paycheck and paid by Food Stamps. Being that 89 items were purchased, I'm confident that this WIC bitch and her boy toy had a vehicle. Ribs and a ride; that's how the other half lives. This scenario is common. They returned to my register 27 minutes later to drop $15.36 on snack cakes and high-dollar ice cream.

Coupons are a noteworthy problem. From a 1983 coupon with no expiration date to milk coupons made from pom poms, the oddities are endless. Some customers place coupons atop the items for which they are specified. How irritating, these people must be developmentally challenged.

Last week, some imbecile showed me a copy of the ad, which had coupons on it. She pointed to the portion of the ad stating that the grapefruits she selected were on sale. No shit. She proceeded to pay the order and then got pissed off because I didn't scan these coupons that she failed to hand me. She subsequently bitched to me and the customer service clerk beside my register. "I try to show you but you stupid [unintelligible]," she elucidated. A lard ass Siberian bagger hastily glanced over the ad and then told me "you cashier and you don't know [unintelligible]." Their point was moot, as the coupons were not valid for another two days. I hate being second-guessed in broken English. I'd give my left nut for a baseline M-16.

Personally, cash is all I use and my only coupons are from R.J. Reynolds.