The punch has been spiked with urine and the party sucked regardless. Tomorrow will be a sickening day for Texas. Sept. 1; the day World War II began, the day of my birth and the day my home state succumbs to the trend of heavy cigarette taxtation. The odious $1 per pack increase was implemented by Gov. Rick Perry. He is the very same slimeball who has yet to raise a minimum wage that is an international disgrace.

In the mood for more numbers? Screw you, you're gettin' them anyways; $133, $127.39, $190.65 and $0. The first three figures are my net pay from my last three weekly checks in chronological order. The fourth number represents the sum total of money in my possession--three hours after receiving my Aug. 31 paycheck and dropping $27.05 on a carton of Camel filters. Although I'm proud to say that I've never received government aid, I intend to apply for food stamps when bus fare becomes available. For the past two weeks, I've been walking to and from work so I can hear bitchface customers with steak-laden $150 orders whine to me about gas prices and the goddamn weather.

In mid-August, I had the audacity to move into a pseudo-two bedroom apartment with my roommate at an additional monthly cost of $75 each. Incidentally, my company temporarily cut hours by half in all departments the week I signed the new lease.

Aside from chugging Chardonnay and swilling caffeine pills, how the fuck should I tolerate this bullshit other than smoking 50 cigarettes a day? It's time to break off the filters and drink from the bottle. Political correctness has steamrolled smokers and we have not done a damn thing about it but apologize for exercising our basic right to indulge in a habit which has been deemed "offensive."

On March 1, 2003, smoking was banned in Dallas restaurants and I saw the ban coming before its conception. The city council which approved the ban was comprised of only non-smokers and ex-smokers. That's why I formed the Smokers' Club at Richland College. Even traditionally rebellious demonstration happy college kids weren't interested in the club or in protesting smoke-Nazi Mayor Laura Miller when she came to speak on campus. With a government like ours and a doormat population like this, nobody can make a difference. America is all about political correctness, low wages, high taxes and fat asses.

Unlike other minorities, show whining complacency rather than focused concern as they foolishly choose not to vote with their lungs. Cigar-wielding gubernatorial candidate Kinky Friedman will receive what will likely be my last vote. Aside from being a militant smoker, Friedman advocates a $7 state minimum wage.

On an unrelated matter, Dallas politician Al Lipscomb once famously likened Miller to Adolf Hitler. Lipscomb made me cheer and lowlifes like Miller make me disgusted to have voted Democrat. Fast forward to 2006 and the Republican Perry has excise-fucked the freedom loving Marlboro Man. Voting is pointless when all candidates are cut from the same cloth and dipshit voters don't know what they are doing. People are quick to chastise non-voters, but those who actually hit the polls are the real danger to democracy.

Legalizing gambling could have been a rather painless solution to the state's budget shortfall as Texans flock to Louisiana and Oklahoma to bend over the blackjack table. I used to deal blackjack; every non-tipping asshole loves it. Perry took the safe approach and did what has become a modern political fashion statement. That pompadour capped Bush loving embodiment of America's toilet bound future can and should jump up and kiss my white, nicotine stained ass. I am a peaceful man, but nothing would bring me greater joy than kicking the GOP horse shit out of my dirtbag governor, in his mansion and right in front of his degenerate wife and rich white trash children. I ate his blackened heart with some non-filtered cigarettes and a nice Chianti.

If Texas wants to tax like California; Texans should be paid like Californians. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger ("R"-Calif.) approved an $8.50 minimum wage. The increase, which will go into effect within one year, is $3.35 higher than the federal minimum wage and more than $2 higher than the average shit job wage in Dallas.

"The federal minimum wage, currently $5.15 an hour, was last raised in 1997. Since then, its purchasing power has deteriorated by 20 percent. Analysts at the Economic Policy Institute and the Center on Budget and Policy Priorities jointly crunched the numbers and determined that, after adjusting for inflation, the value of the minimum wage is at its lowest level since 1955," according to a July 10 article by The Dallas Morning News.

A separate 2005 study by the Economic Policy Institute found that "an average chief executive officer was paid 821 times as much as a minimum wage earner," according to the same article by The News. That's $4228.15 an hour, at 40 hours a week. I'll bet my battered lungs that their shifts go by dramatically easier than that of a $6 drive-thru cashier. All that money, funneled through our cash registers, so they can have our elected officials keep us broke and desperate for another 15 minutes on the clock.

As a matter of course, the people who keep this country fed, clothed and operating are the disrespected bastards who get the shaft every day for hitting the time clock. This summer, lowlife Republicans blocked a Democratic bill sponsored by Sen. Edward Kennedy that would have raised the minimum wage to $7.25. The bill would have required increases in the wage proportionate to any future congressional pay raises. That and another 50 cents will buy you a pack of Manhattan's fire safe smokes. We can't really trust Kennedy's type either, being that Massachusetts has a statewide smoking ban, which includes bars and the outlawing of cigarette coupons.

All jocularity aside, my old longing for a plundering, arson ravaged orgy of a wanton street riot has been rekindled. If legitimately working lower class Americans have any balls left, there will surely be class warfare in French Revolution form. Of course, riots and wars will remain disgruntled fantasies; we'll all just fade away and die in smoke free penury.

The recession, the practice of outrageously lowballing hours and the insidious wages have helped turn honest, hard working Americans like myself into thieves and charity cases. It's hard being a shit shoveler in the 21st century and a mad cashier needs his nicotine fix.