The staggering number of useless items sold in supermarkets are irrefutable proof that John Q. Public rides the short bus to work. As a scan coordinator (price tag hanger), I get a good look at all that my store has to offer. Considering the obscene selection of $2 energy drinks and the advent of American Idol fruit snacks, its apparent that people will stop at nothing to disprove the myth of human intelligence.

The only viable explanation is that these dupes have more money than common sense. I was not joking when I mentioned American Idol fruit snacks, I have seen them with my own disbelieving eyes. Not only would one must be an absolute fool to buy these, but a wasteful punk, as they cost $2.99. What a bargain; $2.99 for roughly six ounces of some gelatinous candy substance that is devoid of any fruit whatsoever. Sadly enough, there are 61 types of fruit snacks sold at my store when perhaps there should be none.

Many people lack an understanding of what getting a product to market entails. From crustless white bread and green ketchup to fake cheese in an aerosol can, these little treasures were approved of by a consensus of research subjects. Marketing research firms are located in virtually every major city. In order for a product to be introduced, it is subject to lengthy focus groups and taste or product testing.

Simply put, American Idol fruit snacks and the like were not put on the shelves because of some idiot at Kellogg's. People would love to mock the corporations for such creations; that would make us feel superior and intellectually secure as a society. I have participated in enough research studies to tell you that research subjects do not bullshit and are not paid to do so.

The reality is that a potentially diverse representative sample of regular people decided for Kellogg's that American Idol fruit snacks were a good idea. Kellogg's was merely smart enough to realize that us geniuses would overspend on this inane product and place these morsels of dyed sugar into our fat children's lunchboxes. I used the phrase "common sense" in the second paragraph: who are we fooling? Common sense is an oxymoron. At this point a bottled water rant seems fitting, but I'll leave that gem in the hands of Andy Rooney.

The famed American cereal aisle is another display of pointless overkill. Peruse the cereal aisle during your next shopping trip and count how many kinds are worth paying for (on one hand I assume). When considering nutritional value, I estimate that 70 percent of the offerings are useless. What owner of a fully functioning brain actually eats something called "Fruity Pebbles?" I'll bet my right lung that this degenerate hasn't touched fruit or seen his feet since sprouting his first pubic hair. Our world famous cereal aisles--my sense of nationalism just dropped dead.

My disgust rises sharply at the thought of cereal bars. Made just for soccer moms and lazy scum alike who take a militant pride in being "on the go." My feeling is that they should either eat in a civilized manner or "go" to Hell. Most people are seldom in such a rabid hurry for any valid reason. It can generally be attributed to a primitive, frenzied response to being off their spoiled asses for 30 consecutive seconds.

There are even "South Beach diet" cereal bars. I'm betting that half of the consumers of these are not on an actual diet of any kind. Nevertheless, these die hard drive-thru warriors still choose to live in a grandiose world in which they will be magically cured of jelly roll syndrome in due time and without effort.

If the useless items were discontinued, common grocery stores would be half their present size. Obviously, imbeciles will always do their thing despite the price tag or the nutrition facts. Baseness sells better than taste and the two cents of a cashier are easy to disregard. I'll still be giving service with a smirk and having a silent laugh at the expense of your Lucky Charms and Easy Cheese eating asses.